Relationships and Love can be Difficult!

From the desk of Mark Tyrrell

 

  1. The Laundry Lists of what to look for or avoid in relationship.

 

Self-knowledge and healthy boundaries are natural and wise. Yet, when I see somebody running around with a checklist in their head of what makes the perfect partner, and what has to be avoided at all costs, I am seeing a person who operates from their mind and not with their heart.

 

Love remains an expression of heart, soul and spirit; not the mind.

 

Relying on lists is an epic-fail; instead, believe in your intuition and experience.

 

Laundry lists of relationship do and don’ts create expectations, demands and perceptions that can be misguided. If your love leaves clothes on the floor, it doesn’t mean they are a lazy slob or wouldn’t grow out of it. If a woman expects a man to never walk out of an argument, which creates unnecessary pressure, she makes him wrong if he does.

 

Lists of relationships do and don’ts present stories which may be false, and rather than relating at the core level of heart-to-heart, can keep things at a surface level. It also denies the possibilities of surprise and adventure that love can bring; lists can create a rigid structure that, once built, can create impossible expectations and scenarios that no human can live up to.

 

Lists also have the possibility of over-generalizing relationships and love, and deny the opportunity for the soul to express itself in unique ways, or to grow.

 

  1. Relating because of attraction, likes and common interests.

 

Love is more than a series of likes and dislikes, attraction and interests.

 

If attraction is based on what you like or dislike about the person, it is a setup for failure. Likes and dislikes change over time, and remain at the surface level of human expression. Common interests change, appearances change, language change.

 

Initial attraction may be nice, yet the qualities that cause a relationship to endure are far deeper.

 

The only constant is change.

 

So be sure to know the core personality traits that sustain and nurture you, identify what you really want in a relationship, and then live it and find those traits in another.

 

  1. Surface level relationships rather than depth.

 

Qualities that cause relationships to endure are ineffable and take time to discover and see in yourself and others.

 

Impatient passionate love can never endure, though it may transform into a life-long romance if both partners learn to calm down and truly see one another with eyes of authenticity.

 

So many people share that they want enduring, loving, and even life-long relationships. This doesn’t happen overnight… it takes time, and a willingness to go past oneself.

 

The core qualities that allow this are loyalty… faithfulness… respect… listening… speaking authentically… and patience… Those are the true qualities sustain and nurture real love…

 

So when I see a person relating with others based on fashion trends, or merely common interests, I have to wonder about their depth of character.

 

  1. Toxic language and lack of sensitivity.

 

By toxic language, I don’t mean cussing—coarse language is far different than toxic communication.

 

A person who complains, puts others down, demeans and humiliates people, especially their family and parents, has unresolved issues that will awaken with intimacy. Most challenges in relationship start because of language, and unloving words communicate an unloving spirit.

 

  1. Judgmental and overly critical.

 

Somebody who is judgmental and overly critical about anything will eventually become judgmental and critical about you.

 

The assumption that the relationship will be this way or that denies it the opportunity to be its fullest and most natural expression. And when the relationship hits eventual speed bumps, judgments about how the relationship should be and isn’t will become the target of criticism.

 

  1. Lack of Humour.

 

Humour and the ability to take serious things with gracious spaciousness enables all involved to remain relaxed and grow through the most turbulent scenarios in life.

 

If the ability to take things with light-heartedness is not available, everything will become heavy and life becomes misery.

 

  1. Inability to take personal responsibility.

 

The person who blames everybody else, the world, or their ex’s for the hurts and tribulations in life will eventually target their partner for all their woes.

 

  1. Avoids the shadow-side of life.

 

Death, grief, accidents, and tragedies happen in life. It’s nice to believe life is always a bed of roses, yet it isn’t. If a person doesn’t have the ability to handle the darkness and pain of being alive, they may not be able to endure in relationship. And if something happens to you, they may abandon you in the time of greatest need.

 

  1. Emotional Immaturity.

 

Maturity is not about age, it’s about willingness and intention.

 

In so many of the red-flag lists a great deal of what is listed is the traits of immature individuals.

 

Surface level; so much can change for a person when they are committed, loyal and loving.

 

And love happens at any age. Just because that person doesn’t know how to process emotions and may need space, does not mean that they cannot and are unwilling to learn how. Youthful traits change as a person grows in wisdom and age—but to pressure somebody into conforming and changing to suit personal needs is also immature.

 

And again, internet laundry lists can create an air of perceived faults and expectations that focus on surface level traits rather than appreciating the deeper qualities of soul and spirit.

 

Entering a relationship with preconceived notions about what is wanted or not wanted denies the spirit and flow of energy and love; that is an often overlooked aspect of immaturity.

 

The possibility and transformation that real love gives is inaccessible when a wall of demands is present. The pre-judgment that happens when a heart has been hurt can be the most detrimental and self-sabotaging personality trait possible.

 

The beginners mind, everyday, allows love to blossom.

 

Time, patience, and wisdom in understanding human experience allow relationships to blossom. And like seasons, all relationships have cycles.

 

Sooner or later, the lists are set aside and love becomes the focus.

 

When that happens, the wish becomes true…

Bullying Post Traumatic Stress Disorder-PTSD

PTSD resulting from accident, disaster, war, terrorism, torture, kidnap, etc has been extensively studied and literature is available elsewhere. The first written reference to PTSD symptoms comes from the sixth century BC; Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is nothing new – and neither is the willingness of some people to discredit and deny the existence of the disorder.

 

This section of Bully OnLine focuses on PTSD and Complex PTSD resulting from bullying, primarily in the workplace, however anyone suffering PTSD (however caused) will find this page enlightening.

 

Most of the information on this page and web site is relevant to other types of bullying, eg at school, in relationships (including domestic violence), by families, by neighbours or landlords, in the care of the elderly, in the armed services, etc.

 

Bullying is behind harassment, discrimination, prejudice and persecution, therefore targets of repeated sexual harassment or racial discrimination or religious or ethnic persecution will also identify with the symptoms. The insight about bullying on this web site is therefore also relevant to more serious issues including physical abuse, repeated verbal abuse, sexual abuse, violent crime, kidnap, abduction, rape, war, terrorism, torture, and denial and abuse of human rights. Those exploring Contact Experience may also find this page helpful.

PTSD, Complex PTSD and Bullying

It’s widely accepted that PTSD can result from a single, major, life-threatening event, as defined in DSM-IV. Now there is growing awareness that PTSD can also result from an accumulation of many small, individually non-life-threatening incidents.

 

To differentiate the cause, the term “Complex PTSD” is used. The reason that Complex PTSD is not in DSM-IV is that the definition of PTSD in DSM-IV was derived using only people who had suffered a single major life-threatening incident such as Vietnam veterans and survivors of disasters.

 

Note: there has recently been a trend amongst some psychiatric professionals to label people suffering Complex PTSD as a exhibiting a personality disorder, especially Borderline Personality Disorder. This is not the case – PTSD, Complex or otherwise, is a psychiatric injury and nothing to do with personality disorders.

 

If there is an overlap, then Borderline Personality Disorder should be regarded as a psychiatric injury, not a personality disorder. If you encounter a psychiatrist, psychologist or other mental health professional who wants to label your Complex PTSD as a personality disorder, change to another, more competent professional.

 

It seems that Complex PTSD can potentially arise from any prolonged period of negative stress in which certain factors are present, which may include any of captivity, lack of means of escape, entrapment, repeated violation of boundaries, betrayal, rejection, bewilderment, confusion, and – crucially – lack of control, loss of control and disempowerment.

 

It is the overwhelming nature of the events and the inability (helplessness, lack of knowledge, lack of support etc) of the person trying to deal with those events that leads to the development of Complex PTSD.

 

Situations which might give rise to Complex PTSD include bullying, harassment, abuse, domestic violence, stalking, long-term caring for a disabled relative, unresolved grief, exam stress over a period of years, mounting debt, contact experience, etc. Those working in regular traumatic situations, e.g. the emergency services, are also prone to developing Complex PTSD.

 

A key feature of Complex PTSD is the aspect of captivity. The individual experiencing trauma by degree is unable to escape the situation. Despite some people’s assertions to the contrary, situations of domestic abuse and workplace abuse can be extremely difficult to get out of.

 

In the latter case there are several reasons, including financial vulnerability (especially if you’re a single parent or main breadwinner – the rate of marital breakdown is approaching 50% in the UK), unavailability of jobs, ageism (many people who are bullied are over 40), partner unable to move, and kids settled in school and you are unable or unwilling to  move them. The real killer, though, is being unable to get a job reference – the bully will go to great lengths to blacken the person’s name, often for years, and it is this lack of reference more than anything else which prevents people escaping.

 

Until recently, little (or no) attention was paid to the psychological harm caused by bullying and harassment. Misperceptions (usually as a result of the observer’s lack of knowledge or lack of empathy) still abound: “It’s something you have to put up with” (like rape or repeated sexual abuse?) and “Bullying toughens you up” (ditto). Armed forces personnel faced threats of being labelled with “cowardice” and “lack of moral fibre” (LMF) if they gave in to the symptoms of PTSD.

 

In World War I, 306 British and Commonwealth soldiers were shot as “cowards” and “deserters” on the orders of General Haig in an act which today would be treated as a war crime – see separate page on this injustice.

 

In the UK at least 16 children kill themselves each year because they are being bullied at school. This figure is established in the book Bullycide: death at playtime. Each of these deaths is unnecessary, foreseeable, and preventable.

 

The UK has one of the highest adult suicide rates in Europe: around 5000 a year. The number of adults in the UK committing suicide because of bullying is unknown. Each year 19,000 children attempt suicide in the UK – one every half hour.

 

In the UK, suicide is the number one cause of death for 18-24-year-old males. Females also attempt suicide in large numbers but tend to use less successful means.

 

Since Andrea Adams first identified workplace bullying and gave it its name in 1988, recognition of adult bullying has grown steadily. Tim Field’s UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line has logged over 8000 cases in seven years; in the majority of cases (over 80%), the caller is a white-collar worker who has become the prey of a serial bully whose behaviour profile suggests a disordered personality.

 

Callers refer to predecessors who have had stress breakdowns, taken early or ill-health retirement, or been dismissed on grounds of ill-health – all caused by the same individual. Sometimes callers refer to suicides of fellow employees.

 

Mapping the health effects of bullying onto PTSD and Complex PTSD
Repeated bullying, often over a period of years, results in symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. How do the PTSD symptoms resulting from bullying meet the criteria in DSM-IV?

 

  1. The prolonged (chronic) negative stress resulting from bullying has lead to threat of loss of job, career, health, livelihood, often also resulting in threat to marriage and family life. The family are the unseen victims of bullying.

A.1.One of the key symptoms of prolonged negative stress is reactive depression; this causes the balance of the mind to be disturbed, leading first to thoughts of, then attempts at, and ultimately, suicide.
A.2.The target of bullying may be unaware that they are being bullied, and even when they do realise (there’s usually a moment of enlightenment as the person realises that the criticisms and tactics of control etc are invalid), they often cannot bring themselves to believe they are dealing with a disordered personality who lacks a conscience and does not share the same moral values as themselves. Naivety is the great enemy. The target of bullying is bewildered, confused, frightened, angry – and after enlightenment, very angry. For an answer to the question Why me? click here.

 

B.1. The target of bullying experiences regular intrusive violent visualisations and replays of events and conversations; often, the endings of these replays are altered in favour of the target.
B.2. Sleeplessness, nightmares and replays are a common feature of being bullied.
B.3. The events are constantly relived; night-time and sleep do not bring relief as it becomes impossible to switch the brain off. Such sleep as is achieved is non-restorative and people wake up as tired, and often more tired, than when they went to bed.
B.4. Fear, horror, chronic anxiety, and panic attacks are triggered by any reminder of the experience, e.g. receiving threatening letters from the bully, the employer, or personnel about disciplinary hearings etc.
B.5. Panic attacks, palpitations, sweating, trembling, ditto.
Criteria B4 and B5 manifest themselves as immediate physical and mental paralysis in response to any reminder of the bullying or prospect of having to take action against the bully.

 

  1. Physical numbness (toes, fingertips, lips) is common, as is emotional numbness (especially inability to feel joy). Sufferers report that their spark has gone out and, even years later, find they just cannot get motivated about anything.

C.1. the target of bullying tries harder and harder to avoid saying or doing anything which reminds them of the horror of the bullying.
C.2. Work, especially in the person’s chosen field becomes difficult, often impossible, to undertake; the place of work holds such horrific memories that it becomes impossible to set foot on the premises; many targets of bullying avoid the street where the workplace is located.
C.3. Almost all callers to the UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line report impaired memory; this may be partly due to suppressing horrific memories, and partly due to damage to the hippocampus, an area of the brain linked to learning and memory (see John O’Brien’s paper below)
C.4. the person becomes obsessed with resolving the bullying experience which takes over their life, eclipsing and excluding almost every other interest.
C.5. Feelings of withdrawal and isolation are common; the person just wants to be on their own and solitude is sought.
C.6. Emotional numbness, including inability to feel joy (anhedonia) and deadening of loving feelings towards others are commonly reported. One fears never being able to feel love again.
C.7. The target of bullying becomes very gloomy and senses a foreshortened career – usually with justification. Many targets of bullying ultimately give up their career; in the professions, severe psychiatric injury, severely impaired health, refusal by the bully and the employer to give a satisfactory reference, and many other reasons, conspire to bar the person from continuance in their chosen career.

 

D.1. Sleep becomes almost impossible, despite the constant fatigue; such sleep as is obtained tends to be unsatisfying, unrefreshing and non-restorative. On waking, the person often feels more tired than when they went to bed. Depressive feelings are worst early in the morning. Feelings of vulnerability may be heightened overnight.
D.2. The person has an extremely short fuse and is often permanently irritated, especially by small insignificant events. The person frequently visualises a violent solution, e.g. arranging an accident for, or murdering the bully; the resultant feelings of guilt tend to hinder progress in recovery.
D.3. Concentration is impaired to the point of precluding preparation for legal action, study, work, or search for work.
D.4. the person is on constant alert because their fight or flight mechanism has become permanently activated.
D.5. The person has become hyper sensitized and now unwittingly and inappropriately perceives almost any remark as critical.

 

  1. Recovery from a bullying experience is measured in years. Some people never fully recover.

 

  1. For many, social life ceases and work becomes impossible; the overwhelming need to earn a living combined with the inability to work deepens the trauma.

 

Common symptoms of PTSD and Complex PTSD that sufferers report experiencing

hyper vigilance (may feel like paranoia, but see HERE for key differences between paranoia and hyper vigilance)

  • exaggerated startle response
  • irritability
  • sudden angry or violent outbursts
  • flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive recollections, replays, violent visualisations
  • triggers
  • sleep disturbance
  • exhaustion and chronic fatigue
  • reactive depression
  • guilt
  • feelings of detachment
  • avoidance behaviours
  • nervousness, anxiety
  • phobias about specific daily routines, events or objects
  • irrational or impulsive behaviour
  • loss of interest
  • loss of ambition
  • anhedonia (inability to feel joy and pleasure)
  • poor concentration
  • impaired memory
  • joint pains, muscle pains
  • emotional numbness
  • physical numbness
  • low self-esteem
  • an overwhelming sense of injustice and a strong desire to do something about it

WHAT IS HYPNOSIS?

WHAT IS HYPNOSIS?

Many successful people including sports professionals, CEO’s, movie directors, professional actors and other celebrities use Hypnotherapy on a regular basis to stay on track toward their goals. Dr. Steve G. Jones is a master hypnotist who has worked with many celebrities and he quotes in Forbes Magazine:

“It’s remarkable just how many celebrities use hypnosis—how many CEOs and heads of production companies… It’s sort of a secret weapon for a lot of very successful, very wealthy people.”

One of the key areas where hypnotherapists have been having amazing success is in the area of removing stress from people’s lives, family stress, relationship stress, workplace stress, and environmental stresses.

Stress is something we all try to deal with on a day-to-day basis and unfortunately, is also at the core of many aliments and diseases in our bodies. Unless we remove the core issue… the condition will persist.

By listening to this recording you’ll gain valuable information about what hypnosis can do for you. I’ll also dispel some of the myths associated with hypnosis.

Many people are not aware of the benefits of hypnosis, which are the life changing, permanent benefits that occur by working with the subconscious mind rather than consciously analysing and battling through your challenges.

Hypnosis is NOT about ‘fixing you’… it is about ‘empowering you’ with techniques and processes that you can use ongoing to create the life you want.

Hypnosis is NOT a ‘done to you’ process, it is a process where the hypnotherapist is merely the facilitator; guiding you, through different processes, to a state of deep relaxation where YOU can effectively choose to create the changes YOU desire to manifest into your life.

There are many misguided perceptions on what hypnosis is and how it is achieved, which have been fuelled by lack of understanding, television shows and stage performances. Some people believe hypnosis to be a form of mind control but this is simply not true.

It is not possible to hypnotize someone against their will and, it is not possible to hypnotize someone to do something or perform actions that are against their morals or values. During hypnosis the subject is always in full control and can terminate the session at any time.

Hypnosis is a ‘waking state’ of trance or deep relaxation, not dissimilar to visualization and meditation, which allows the subject disassociate from day-to-day conscious awareness and narrow their focus and open their subconscious mind to heightened suggestibility.

You see if you imagine the mind is like an iceberg… the conscious mind is what is above the surface, the things we see and do every day. The unconscious mind is the large mass under the surface where we record and store the memory of every event, experience and emotion we encounter in our lives.

Hypnosis has been clinically proven to provide powerful medical and therapeutic benefits and is a gentle, safe and natural… yet extremely powerful process, which is capable of creating positive life-changing results on many different levels.

Issues including lack of self-confidence, lack of self-esteem or self worthiness, anxiety and panic attacks, migraine headaches, lower back pain, cigarette smoking, and weight loss challenges are many times tied to stress factors in the body. In fact over 70% of weight issues are stress related, which is why no matter how many diets you go on or how many grueling exercise regimes you participate in, you will never attain the weight you desire unless you tackle the core issue.

So just approach it with an open your mind and experience the gentle yet powerful process of Hypnotherapy… you will not be disappointed.

Fear of Failure Fear of Rejection

 

Kristen Howe has taught CEO’s, Screenwriters, Broadway Actors, Entrepreneurs, Stay at Home Mums, and People from all walks of life on how to breakthrough the barriers that are limiting their true potential in the areas of relationships, finances, and the fear of failure.

 

Using the principles of the law of attraction, you will discover how to attract a partner, attract money, improve your relationships, and how to eliminate the fear of failure and the fear of rejection.

 

Kristen has created a new series called “New Message of a Master” where she teaches you how to take control of your life and your destiny, and the best news is that she’s giving you a preview completely free!

 

 

Yes, I know it sounds like it’s too good to be true and I’m also willing to bet you’ve heard someone else make claims similar to these at some point in your life only to be left wondering how in the world you fell for such exaggerated statements.

 

But rest assured what I’m going to share with you is REAL and it’s actually not something Kristen created magically out of thin in air. In actuality, it’s been around for hundreds of years…

 

The only reason why so few people know about it is because they’ve either never looked hard enough to find it, were mislead into another system that’s similar but not nearly as effective or they did invest the time and energy to find it but were too selfish to share it once they did.

 

Well now the cat is out of the bag and to prove to you just how REAL and powerful it is, Kristen set up a special preview just for you…and it’s absolutely free! Learn how you too can better your relationships, both personal and business, attract the perfect partner if you are not in a relationship, attract money and wealth into your life effortlessly, and eliminate the fear of failure and the fear of rejection forever!